A Cumwhore's Diary

2004-11-04T14:18:00.000-08:00

Dear Ted,

I love it when we fuck and you've cum and yet your cock stays nice and hard.

You want me.

Admit it.

My best,

Suzi

To the readers of this blog, details of Ted's and my "anniversary weekend" will be posted soon. Trust me when I say that editing is seriously needed before I upload :-)

2004-10-22T14:17:00.000-07:00

It happens rarely, but it happened last night. I came in my sleep.

Maybe I needed to be in deep REM to have the orgasm I'd been wanting lately.

What really surprised me was that the dream I had was a series of nonsensical ideas strung together with only one minor erotic part in it -- and yet still I woke up just moments before I came in my dream and came in my bed. I dreamt that I was at a friend's cottage -- someone I haven't visited in years and whose cottage has long been sold. When she and I were still close, I had a set of keys to her summer place and an open invitation to use it whenever I wanted -- an offer I took her up on to exaggerated extremes ;-) In my dream, I was alone at the cottage and felt annoyed that there was no heat or any wood to put in the fireplace and that all I had to sleep on was the bare floor. I remember that I fell asleep in my dream and when I woke up, the cottage was loaded with people. I remember wondering how the hell I could have slept through all that noise or why nobody bothered to wake me up. I didn't recognize anyone, but they all seemed to know me. Suddenly there was food and a nice fire going and a lot of socializing happening. There were kittens in there somewhere and someone tried to explain to me how the elaborate water system worked in the cottage: "If you want hot water, you have to push this button and hold down that lever .." I remember looking around the room for Ted, but not seeing him (though as with most dreams, I ~knew~ he was there despite being unable to see him). I decided that since everyone was dressed and I was looking grungy and greasy from a night of sleeping on the floor, I should go into the bathroom and wash up a bit. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror, washing my face and underarms, and leaned over the sink to splash some hot water on my face and rinse the soap away. Suddenly I felt a hand very gently and lovingly push me further down so that my head was on the bathroom counter and my ass was in the air. I felt someone begin to penetrate me and assumed it was Ted, but I knew the feel and size and length and girth of the cock wasn't right. I was about to protest, but the hand kept my head down and a female voice said, very seductively, "Shhh, Suzi, don't worry. It's just me." The mysterious woman pushed deeper inside me with the strap-on she was wearing and I came quickly -- both in my dream and in my bed, and I woke up with a jolt.

I rarely -- and I do mean RARELY -- have fantasies that involve women. I have re-lived experiences when me and another woman sucked a guy off. I've re-lived experiences when I had sex with a man while his wife or girlfriend looked on approvingly. I have watched women having sex with men and enjoyed it. But I fast-forward porn when it gets to the obligatory girl-on-girl action. I've fantasized about being fucked by a dominant woman wearing a strap-on, but even those fantasies were always more about the pleasure it would give the man looking on AND the humiliation it would cause me. I've never seen it as a tender or loving thing; I've always seen it as the ultimate in humiliation for me. That's why the dream shocked me so much. Not only was I shocked that I actually had an orgasm without touching myself (I've had erotic dreams where I've woken up with a hand down my panties, aching to masturbate myself to orgasm), but I was also shocked that the one time this happened to me, it was over a fantasy involving a woman. Not a humiliating, "take it, Bitch!" fantasy but a loving and gentle one.

No, I'm not gay. I don't even consider myself remotely bi-sexual. I'm dismissing the fantasy as a fluke and treating the resulting orgasm as me having too much pent-up sexual energy with nowhere to go ;-) I think, quite honestly, I could have dreamt about being taken from behind by ANYONE and the result would have been the same.

Just a shame that I wasn't alert enough to have enjoyed it :-/

2004-10-20T14:17:00.000-07:00

I ~have~ been blogging. I just haven't had time to edit and upload what I've written.

I always get a little nervous when my sexual drive takes a downward dip. I have sex on the brain more often than most women do -- or at least this is what I'm assuming from what people have written and told me -- and there are several surefire fantasies I have that are guaranteed to get me off in no time. Some of them are loosely based on actual events but embellished for maximum effect when I re-live them in my mind. Others are pure fantasy, pure fiction. For three days now, I've been going to bed early with the express intention of getting myself off -- and nothing happens :-/

I ~want~ to cum.

I have my favorite dildo handy.

I've cleared everything on my agenda so nothing is on my mind when I go to bed.

And yet, seriously, nothing happens.

I was discussing this with a friend and she said that perhaps I was trying too hard. I don't think so. I go to bed, showered and refreshed and happy and ready for a nice, hard cum -- and nothing happens. My surefire fantasies don't do a damned thing for me and the new ones that I try to create don't work because I get bogged down in the details. I tried watching some of my favorite porn and found myself getting depressed by what I was watching. (Another mental glitch of late is my inability to get aroused by porn that features young girls who clearly don't know how participating in this video will affect the rest of their lives and haunt them forever).

My friend also suggested that maybe I don't want or need to cum as badly as I think I do, and I'm starting to think that may be the case. I think I woke up one day and realized how long it had been since I'd masturbated to orgasm and stupidly felt that it was high time I had another cum. So I'm going to go to bed at night with no expectations and no plan. If I really want to cum, I'm sure my hand will know where to go ;-)

In the meantime, watching America's Next Top Model sounds like a good way to spend a Wednesday night.

2004-10-15T14:16:00.000-07:00

Ted surprised me last night by reminding me that we've been "a couple" (for want of a better term) for almost one year now. It was last year, on Halloween night, that we went on our first official date.

My relationship with Ted is the longest one I've ever been in. Despite the fact that we don't live near one another and much of our relationship has been spent apart -- and most importantly, ~despite~ the fact that we're occasionally fucking other people -- I still consider myself very much Ted's partner and sometimes even take it for granted that one day we'll live together or even get married. I think of what I'd like in a husband and Ted matches all of the most crucial criteria. He's wickedly funny, intelligent, sexy and without a doubt the easiest person in the world to talk to and confide in. Sometimes I imagine both of us marrying other people but always remaining in each other's lives, to the point of driving our respective spouses crazy with jealousy. I do adore Ted and I love everything about him but there are things I need and want to accomplish, and living together (never mind getting married!) just isn't in the cards right now.

In a few months, parts of this blog will be reproduced in an anthology being put together by a British author. When the anthology is complete and has hit the presses, I will say more about it. It was flattering that this person liked my blog and my writing style enough to want to include my writing in the anthology. Ted is aware that I have a blog but he hasn't asked for the URL yet and he hasn't shown any genuine interest in reading it.

Actually, let me amend that: I think he ~is~ genuinely curious about the contents but just isn't ready to read my personal thoughts on our relationship. He's not the kind of man who believes in diaries and journals ("They just make people wallow in their problems -- just solve the damned problem and move on!") nor is he the kind of man who devotes much of his online time to sex-related sites (I remember being genuinely shocked when he told me he had no porn on his computer; mine, at the time, was LOADED with downloaded porn!). Before I told him about this blog, I tried to "feel him out" by asking him if he ever read any sex blogs. He didn't. I sent him some links via email to certain blog entries that I thought he might like, but he replied that he "didn't have any time" to read about someone else's sex life when he was obsessed with his own. When I finally did tell him about my blog, he wasn't shocked or curious or .... anything, really! He only had two questions -- "Is it therapeutic?" and "Am I a real prick in it?" -- and then dropped it. I was actually a little offended that he wasn't ~more~ curious about it and even did the stereotypical "Don't you care about my LIFE?" bit, but his lack of interest in it fit in perfectly with everything I'd come to know about Ted. Once the sting of his "meh" reaction wore off, I realized I never should have expected anything else.

So when the prospect of being a part of an anthology came up, it never occurred to me to tell Ted about it. When it's published and I have a copy of it, I ~will~ give one of the copies to Ted to savor and read. I'm not hiding anything from him; I just don't want him to have the same casual attitude about the anthology as he had about me having a blog. Sometimes I think he takes it for granted that I'm no longer "impressed" when I see my words in print, since a huge part of my job revolves around writing and publishing to begin with. That may be true -- I've long stopped clipping and collecting the things I write that have been printed and I've long stopped complaining when things I've written (or spun or doctored) get published without my name being mentioned. But this is different. This is not related to work. This anthology will represent only the third time in my life that something not related to work or career will be published -- and there's something much more fulfilling about ~that~ kind of "being published" than there is about seeing published the things I write on a weekly basis. I'm excited about this and I don't want Ted to think for a moment that I'm not. I don't want him to take anything for granted.

So back to our impending "anniversary" ...

Ted has arranged to have a few days off so that he can fly in for Halloween and spend more than just 36 hours with me. I arranged to take off the Friday before Halloween so that we can have three whole days of ... whatever ;-) I know Ted well enough to know that he ~will~ be buying me a present for the anniversary so I want to do the same. The problem is that Ted is one of the hardest people to shop for. He doesn't like jewelry or clothes and he's not into sports (I wish he were: women whose partners are sports enthusiasts have it ~so~ easy, since every men's gift store seems to cater to football or baseball or hockey fans ...). He loves music but spends a small fortune on CDs every week already so chances are he already owns it. Someone suggested to me that I forget about buying ~him~ something and focus instead on buying ~myself~ something that will also bring him a lot of pleasure. He's already seen me in every state of dress and undress possible, so lingerie seems a little tame. We have a good selection of toys and I can't think of anything else to add to the mix. I'll have to give this some serious thought. I know there's something really obvious that I'm not thinking of, and I'm sure it will occur to me at the eleventh hour.

All I know is that I want to make sure that our anniversary weekend is memorable. Details will be made available should I be spectacular in bed that weekend ;-)

2004-10-03T14:15:00.000-07:00

When we last left our humble slut ... ;-)

First, I want to thank everyone who has emailed me in the past few weeks to ask how I'm doing, how Ted is doing and if I maybe hadn't come down with a terminal illness that required blog-stopping therapy. The answers to your questions are fine, fine and no.

For a long time now, I've been debating whether or not to continue with A Cumwhore Diary. When I started this particular blog, I made a personal decision to leave as much of my life OUT of this blog as possible and focus almost entirely on my sexual experiences and my journeys into submission. I never wanted to discuss my work or many other aspects of my personal life because I didn't want to be "known" in any way, shape or form. As strictly a sexual creature, I'm generic; if I discuss work or family or if I offer up my opinions on anything from my favorite kind of take-out to my views on the upcoming election, I suddenly become far too REAL of a person -- and in all honesty, I never wanted that.

Blogging was always supposed to be my escape from real life. It was a place where I could revel in my sexual adventures, re-live them and pass them along to you. I knew, yes, that people would read this blog and be aroused by it, but I also knew that some of what I posted about my sexual proclivities would resonate with some of the submissive women (or, less frequently, Dominant males) who frequent the site -- and I was right. For every email I get from a guy pleading to netsex with me, I get five emails from men and women who appreciate the sensuality of this blog but who mostly appreciate knowing that there is "someone else out there" who feels the same way as they do about relationships. There is still a lot of "shame" (and I use the term only because I can't think of a more appropriate one) involved in desiring a Dominant/submissive relationship and if my being here and writing about my own ambivalence helped to make things clearer for even a handful of the people who've written me, then I'm pleased :-)

After that long and rambling disclaimer, A Cumwhore Diary is back. There has been a lot of personal stuff happening in my life in the past few weeks and as tempted as I was to share those things with the people who visit this blog, I resisted the temptation to cross a line I never wanted to cross -- and that is, the line separating Suzi, the submissive, sexual being with Susan, the flesh and blood woman who in the past weeks has made some changes in her personal life and couldn't discuss them here without revealing far too much about herself ;-)

Ted and I are still ... well, I guess "together" IS the right word for it. For a long time, I contemplated the possibility of leaving my job and moving closer to him (read: in bed next to him ;-) but the closer I got to the date I had set to make a final decision about that, the more uneasy I felt. The truth is that right now, I love my job far too much to give it up. There are days when I feel unchallenged and bored with my job, but then we'll get a new contract in or we'll negotiate with a new client and all of the enthusiasm and excitement comes back to me and I ask myself, "How can I leave all of this?" It has nothing to do with my salary, either. I know I would make a comparable salary if I moved elsewhere. I have enough money saved up TO move elsewhere. The bottom line is, right now, I just don't want to.

Ted was very understanding and admitted that the closer I got to making a decision, the more nervous HE got about what that decision would be: "If you did leave your job and your home and moved here and you were unhappy, I'd feel like it was all because of me. I'd feel that if I had been less selfish, you never would have made a decision that made you miserable." While I doubt I would have been miserable ANYWHERE with Ted, I saw his point and we decided that the distance between us was already trying enough; why add the pressure of a life-altering decision into the mix?

So where does that leave Ted and me? Well, we do see each other as often as time permits but lately, that hasn't been often enough :-/ I love my sexual relationship with Ted but more than anything, it's his guidance and encouragement that I depend upon most. I recently told Ted that I honestly could NOT picture my life without him in it. He understood exactly what I meant. We talk on the phone at least four times a week and at least two of those phone calls turn into long calls where you start the conversation while you're doing your supper dishes and end the call only because you HAVE to get to bed if you want to be alert the next day :-) He is the one person I can say ANYTHING to and he absolutely, positively GETS IT! No need to explain. No need to justify myself. No need to rationalize. I can call him one night and bitch non-stop about something and the next day, call him back and say, "Everything's fine now" and he won't demand to know why I changed my mind so quickly. Being THAT at ease with him makes it so easy for me to surrender to him, sexually. There is SUCH an extraordinary degree of trust between us now that he could ask me to do virtually ANYTHING and I would trust him absolutely not to harm me or lead me down a path I didn't want to take. I love it that Ted finds me sexy even while I'm complaining. I'll be in the middle of a rant about work and he'll suddenly coo into the phone, "I wish you were here right now, servicing my cock."

Work? Was I talking about work? ;-)

In the meantime, Kevin and I have played a few times, though I must admit that I feel more and more "used" after we have sex -- and not in a GOOD way, either. I think it became so understood between us that there would never be a close, personal relationship that Kevin took it for granted that after a nice, hard fuck, he could just pick up his stuff, say goodnight and head home. Ironically, I don't really WANT Kevin to hang around for chit-chat, but at the same time, I do. (Yeah, I don't quite understand it, either). He's handy when I'm horny and want to get laid, but outside of that, he serves absolutely no purpose in my life. I met and fucked a guy that I met through work -- I'll call him Steve -- but he was achingly dull in the bedroom and NOTHING turns me off more than having to take the lead in a sexual situation -- especially after so many months of Ted calling the shots. "You've ruined me for sex," I told Ted after I fucked Steve. "After you, everything is going to be a huge disappointment." Ted just laughed and admitted the same thing. He has the opposite problem: the women he meets want to take control all the time. "Is it so hard for a woman to just say, 'Yes Sir' when you ask her to suck your cock?" Ted asked. "Does it ALWAYS have to turn into a discussion about how rude I'm being and how politically incorrect it is to ask a woman to suck some dick?"

Yeah. Gotta love him :-)

That's my first update in weeks and there's more to come. Now that I feel ready to blog again, I intend to blog as regularly as possible. Thank you all for your patience and your concern. I'll try to fill in the blanks in the coming days.

2004-05-10T14:15:00.000-07:00

(Note: This post is actually a collection of thoughts I've jotted down in the past few days, and some more from today, thus it will either make sense or seem completely disjointed and incoherent --S.)

I flew in to see Ted last weekend and still can't decide how I feel about it. I have to confess that there was a twinge of envy running through my veins during the entire weekend. I love my job and love the company I work for, but I was envious of Ted's new life -- new job, new apartment, new people, new city, new challenges. I mentioned this to Ted and he reminded me that while I may FEEL envious, the truth of the matter is that I would HATE to have this much change in my life. He reminded me of how agitated I got when I told him the story of when I moved into my new place from my old apartment: just the MEMORY of packing and moving was enough to raise my blood pressure. How would I cope with all the unknowns of a new city, new job and having to learn new directions to get from home to work and back?

He raises a good point. I've traveled quite a bit in my lifetime. I've been to four different continents, did the "backpacking through Europe" thing after high school (I have distant relatives strewn throughout most of the European Union) and I still fantasize about moving to Amsterdam one day and making it my home. (I am SMITTEN with that city!) I try to pretend to be worldly but the truth is that packing for a trip agitates me, being in a new city agitates me (largely because I detest not knowing where things are and how to get from Point A to Point B), and by the time I relax and enjoy myself, it's almost time to head back home -- and I get agitated all over again because it's time to pack my suitcase again. Visiting Ted was a one-weekend affair. Three days out of my life. What's more, he's living in a city I've visited three times on business to begin with so there wasn't even REALLY the element of the unknown. When he called me the Thursday before my trip to ask if I was packed, I got -- you guessed it! -- agitated :-/ I think it's time for me to admit to myself that I like being at home. I like the familiar. I like MY stuff. I like knowing exactly how long it will take me to get to work from home. I like knowing what's in my fridge for supper. I'm very, VERY boring in that way ;-)

Ted and I had a great weekend. A lot of conversation and a lot of talk about the future. The agreement that we reached was that we would continue our relationship long-distance for now but neither of us would commit to monogamy. I know that Ted is occasionally seeing someone ("a casual fuck," as he calls her) and I've enjoyed a few romps with Kevin (including one with Kevin and two of his friends, which I will relate later); clearly, distance is making us more casual about the terms of our commitment to one another. That's fine. There are no hard feelings and I know that Ted's casual fuck doesn't mean as much to him as I do. Somehow that puts it in perspective. I still truly love Ted but emotionally, I'm not ready to deal with the REALITY that this may not work out, that the situation may never be right for us to get together. Ted is doing great at his new job and I've brought new business in to the company. Short of one of us getting fired or quitting, I doubt that we'll ever be together in the future. To be honest, it hurts AND it's okay. There's no ill will between us, no hard feelings, no regrets. I do find myself drifting into "could have's" every so often but it's less and less.

Obviously, what I miss most about being with Ted is the sex. As fun and daring and playful as Kevin is (and as able as he is to help me live out some of my "multiple partner" fantasies), I miss the Dom/sub dynamic of my relationship with Ted. Sexually, I felt more secure and confident with Ted than I have with any other lover. Ted can tell me to do something in the middle of a crowded room and I'll do it, KNOWING that he made sure that whatever I did had the risk of discovery to it but not the actual INEVITABILITY of discovery. He knew my limits and knew which ones could and couldn't be tested, but more importantly he knew how FAR those limits could be tested. He knew that I could quickly and spontaneously get soaking wet just by having him suddenly request a blow job in the middle of a perfectly mundane situation, or requesting that I show him my pussy, not to fuck it but just to have a quick look at it before telling me to put my skirt back down or pull my pants back up: "We'll fuck later." Ted knew how to push every button unlike any other man I've ever known. He made me live in endless anticipation of the hard fuck that was coming later. For a woman like me, that means having a wet pussy almost all of the time. It was a thrilling way to live.

Ted feels the same way. We discussed this and he said that the fun is NOT in a woman who will do anything you ask because of a lack of self-respect; the fun is in having a confident, composed woman who will do whatever you say. I can certainly understand that.

I got back from my weekend with Ted. We've made plans for the last weekend of May, which is the only time that both of us weren't anticipating a very busy schedule at work, for Ted to fly in for a long weekend. On Thursday night, Kevin called and asked if I was in the mood to play. Two of his friends (both of whom I know and one of whom I've fucked before) were in the mood for "some fun." On Saturday night, I went over to Kevin's to play with him, "Justin" and "John." It was hot and horny and I was used with complete disregard for my comfort (of course, Kevin had set strict rules beforehand so they knew what could and couldn't be done). I was told to strip for them as enticingly as I could. I let each guy finger my pussy. I had two cocks forced into my mouth. I sucked one cock and masturbated another while being fucked by a third. I sucked on a dildo while they drank beer and hooted at me. I was blindfolded and restrained when the three came on my body. After they came, the two friends brought me into the bathroom, stood me in the shower and hosed me down with the hand-held showerhead, holding my pussy lips apart while flooding my "dirty cunt" with water, prying my mouth open while cleaning it out with water. They made me bend over in the bath tub while one held my ass cheeks apart and the other washed my ass. It was hard and dirty and mean AND it was also exactly what I was in the mood for.

Monday morning, it was back into my work clothes and my job and the asexual Susan that everyone at work knows me as. If they only knew. I came home from work tonight, undressed and masturbated to mixed memories of Ted, at his place, sitting just out of reach while he stroked his cock and taunted me to "dare" move closer and suck it AND Kevin and his friends using me with complete disregard for my comfort.

Who can complain about a month in which THAT already happened? It can only get better from here, can't it? ;-)

2004-04-27T14:14:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note, after uploading, to let you know that I've added some new links to the site, in case anyone is interested ;-) I may not be blogging much these days but I AM still reading blogs.
- posted by Suzi at 6:45 AM |

Note: I wrote the following post in Word on April 20 but only got around to uploading it to Blogger today.

Last weekend was the first time Ted and I saw each other since he moved away.

I should backtrack a bit and tell you that Ted and I have been talking on the phone regularly since he moved but with the status of our relationship so uncertain, the conversations have been overwhelmingly stilted and uncomfortable. Deep down, I know that Ted is resisting the temptation to tell me to quit my job and allow him to take care of us but he knows I would never entertain the possibility and therefore continues to bite his tongue. I'm much more honest and straightforward with him via email, where I don't feel as pressured to fill in the gaps of silence with meaningless chit-chat. It may take me a day to write one email -- adding a line here, leaving it, going back to it to add another line or delete something, etcetera -- but when I hit Send, I know that I've said everything I really wanted to say, as honestly and openly and fairly as possible. I did tell him that I've played with Kevin on a few occasions and, not surprisingly, Ted admitted to "a couple of quick ones" with one of the women at his new office -- something I find reckless and potentially damaging but won't lecture Ted about. On the one hand, I felt betrayed and hurt at the thought of Ted's cock inside another woman; on the other hand, the chances of us making our long-distance relationship work seemed so slim that I couldn't have cared less when he told me about it.

In other words, I don't know how the hell I feel.

Ted and I were originally supposed to see one another on Easter weekend, but those plans fell through when he got a sinus cold and couldn't fly. He called me last Wednesday and announced that he had purchased himself a ticket and would be landing late Friday evening. Against my better judgment, I was giddy with anticipation. Then I became angry. Was he taking a hotel room? Was he just assuming that it would be all right for him to stay at MY place? What exactly were his plans? Did I have to pick him up at the airport? When he confirmed his flight time, I was irrationally angry with him, demanded answers -- and of course Ted had made the arrangements that I KNEW he would make. He had taken a hotel room. He was renting a car. He would call me once he was settled in to his hotel room and make plans from there.

And so, on Friday night, at a little past 11 P.M., my phone rang -- Ted telling me that he was at his hotel (a few blocks from my home, of course), had put his clothes away and wanted to take a shower: "And then I'd love to see you, if you're up for it." I told Ted that would be fine and told him I would go to the hotel.

I don't think that I can adequately describe just how strange and uncomfortable seeing him was. I was overwhelmed by instinct -- to throw myself into his arms, to wrap my legs around him, to smother him with kisses, to play it cool, to be detached, to let him set the pace. The one true thing was realizing just how much I had missed him. Ted scooped me up into his arms and lifted me off my feet, repeating over and over again how much he had missed me and how wonderful it was to see me again. It had been a month since I'd last been in his arms and I have to confess, it felt like home :-((( I know how trite that sounds, but it's true. It felt so perfect and so right to be in his arms again, and a month of pretending his departure hadn't hurt too much went down the drain. We hugged and kissed and settled in for hours of REALLY catching up. Not the polite chit-chat from our phone calls, and not the admissions of "infidelity" carefully designed to hurt one another. We were honest but joyous and we talked till 3 A.M. before going to bed together -- no sex, but hours of sleep.

I have to confess that I really loved being with Ted again. We spent Saturday shopping and eating and talking and on Saturday night, we made love. I rarely use that term to describe my sex life because most of the sex I have is "play" or "fucking," but when Ted and I went to bed on Saturday night, it was pure passion and affection and absolutely fulfilling. It was wonderful -- almost too wonderful, as I've spent the last few days re-living it over and over in my mind, just as I did when Ted and I first slept together. It was slow, hard, intense lovemaking. The kind that makes you weak in the knees just to remember it.

I felt my heart break all over again on Sunday, when Ted checked out of the hotel and I reluctantly said goodbye to him before catching his flight back home. We made plans for me to fly out to see him at the end of the month. I'm going to ask Boss for an extra day off so I can make it a LONG weekend -- from Thursday night to Monday night. I'll bring my laptop with me and I'll have ample time to get work done so there shouldn't be a problem.

I'm confused about everything again. When Ted moved away, I was ready to forget the plans I'd secretly made for a future together but after seeing Ted again and remembering how relaxed and at ease I am with him, it's hard for me to not fantasize again about the future I once thought we'd have together. When Ted was in my life, I placed a very high priority on our sex life and I'll be honest, the fact that he was into D/s was one of the main reasons I COULD foresee a future with him. After being apart for a while and seeing him again, I see that sex is a small part of it. What REALLY made me foresee a future with Ted are all the OTHER things that are harder to find in a partner: trust, ease, intelligence, an innate understanding of what motivates me, etcetera. I could troll tomorrow in a bar and find a guy who'd be more than willing to push me to my knees, force his cock inside my mouth and treat me like a whore for the night -- but what are the chances, really, of that guy ALSO being someone I'd be completely at ease with, with no desire or need to pretend anything or act differently or live up to a standard that I don't want to live up to?

The answer: slim!

We've spoken on the phone since he went back home and it makes me miss him so much that I ache. My plan is to once again bury myself in work and my yoga classes and work off my sexual energy on the treadmill instead of with Kevin (we've shared a few quick fucks since our "Dr White" play date ;-) I AM looking forward to seeing him again, even if that means having to go through the goddamned hassle of airport security and a two-hour plane ride during which I will no doubt sit next to the worst passenger the airline can muster up. I'm trying not to get my hopes up that we'll somehow be able to make this work but ....

~ sigh ~

2004-04-06T14:14:00.000-07:00

I was perusing the message board at Literotica.com-- to be more precise, perusing the "Amateur Pic Feedback" section -- and almost uploaded some of the better pictures that Ted and I and Kevin and I have taken in the past year. There are some very sexy, gloppy, cummy pictures in a section in which people were asked to submit pictures of themselves giving/getting head that I'd recommend checking out ;-)

No, I didn't upload any pictures of myself. As anonymous as I am in many of the pictures (or, as anonymous as I could make myself with a bit of picture cropping), I'm still very nervous about posting sexually explicit pictures of myself online. The odds that some of the men who work with me visit Literotica just aren't low enough for me yet ;-)

However, I'm willing to share the details about my "visit to the doctor" on Friday night. This is essentially what I wrote after I came back from Kevin's, the language cleaned up a bit, the punctuation improved, but written when the details were still fresh in my mind:
As planned, I went to Kevin's apartment immediately after work. He had just gotten off work himself and was still wearing his suit and tie, and yet that only added to the "professionalism" of the situation.

Kevin surprised me when he led me into his office and started asking me questions: "Why are you here? When was your last period? When did you last have intercourse? How many partners have you had?" I stammered out a few answers -- some real, some made up -- and "Dr. White" told me to undress and get on the examining table (actually a fold-out massage table that belongs to one of his playthings). I requested privacy and Dr. White rolled his eyes and told me there was nothing I had that he hadn't seen before and that he had other patients to see, so would I please hurry up?

I found a semi-private area in the room, removed everything but my panties and bra and put on the robe that Dr. White had left for me. He turned around in his chair and announced that I needed to take ALL of my clothes off. I turned away from him, slid off my panties and worked my bra off by working the straps down the sleeves of the housecoat and removing it as privately as I could. Dr. White instructed me to lay on the examining table and started to undo the housecoat.

"I'm going to do a standard breast exam," he said, exposing my breasts, hardened nipples and all. He began to firmly press with his hands around my breasts, working his way towards the areola. "Do you always have erect nipples?" Dr. White asked. Embarrassed, I explained that it was cold in his office and that my nipples hardened because of it. Dr. White continued the breast exam, tugging, pinching and pulling on my nipples while asking me mundane questions: "When you're with a partner, do you enjoy having your nipples touched? How much pain can your nipples withstand?" I answered as best I could and asked him what these questions had to do with my health. "I'm the doctor," he replied curtly. "If I ask you a question, it's because it's relevant to this exam and your health." He toyed with my nipples for a while longer and then announced that it was time for the vaginal exam.

He told me to move myself as close to the edge of the examining table as possible, which I did. "Now lift your knees and spread your legs," he said. I did as I was told and felt a wave of embarrassment spread over me, knowing that my pussy was slick with wetness and that he would see this. I felt his fingers push my pussy lips apart and I could feel his breath on me as he examined me up close. "Your clitoris appears to be very hard and red," he said. "Are you experiencing any sexual stimulation at the moment?"

I replied No as firmly as I could, and he ran a finger over my overly-sensitive clitoris, rubbing it gently but quickly, which caused my legs to buckle a bit. "You have a very sensitive clitoris," he said. "I'll have to inspect your underwear later to see if there are any moistness stains on them."

He pushed my thighs further apart, held my pussy lips open and continued teasing it with his index finger. "Take a deep breath and relax," he said, as he inserted two fingers into my pussy. He muttered, with mock disgust, how wet I was and how certainly this exam wouldn't require any lubricant and continued to finger-fuck me with two fingers. Noting my breathing, he asked, "Is this exam causing any sexual stimulation, Susan?" I managed to stammer out that it was not sexually stimulating me at all and I heard him let out a small smirking chuckle.

I felt him remove his fingers, heard the familiar rip of a condom wrapper as he wrapped his finger and moved to my asshole. "This won't hurt, but it has to be done," Dr. White announced. I felt him slide just the very tip of his middle finger into my asshole. Impatiently, he ordered me to "take a deep breath, relax" and STOP clenching my asshole. I tried to relax, but I was so aroused by this point that I found myself trying NOT to let all of my juices flow. "Relax, Susan!" he demanded again. Again, he tried to insert his middle finger but my asshole wouldn't cooperate.

I heard him mutter and felt the coldness of lubricant dripping down to my asshole. "If you would cooperate, Susan, this would be over much more quickly!" Dr. White said. I felt his middle finger gently and easily work its way into my asshole: the lubricant had made all the difference. He finger-fucked my asshole for a bit and asked, "Do you play with your asshole sometimes, Susan?" I told him no and again heard the smirking chuckle. "Don't lie to me, Susan," he said. "As tight as your asshole is, I can tell you have tried to insert things into it. Can you tell me what you've inserted into it?" I explained that I had a small dildo that I had been bought and that I sometimes inserted it partially into my asshole. Dr. White said, "See? Was it so hard to be honest, Susan?"

With his middle finger still inside my asshole, Dr. White inserted the other middle finger inside my pussy again. He must have sensed that this was going to make me cum, because he said, "I'm going to move my finger in and out of your vagina, Susan, to check your responses to sexual stimuli. Please don't be embarrassed if this causes you to have an orgasm." With one finger inside my asshole and the other finger pumping my pussy, it took only a few moments for me to have a powerful orgasm. "Do you feel another one coming on?" Dr. White asked. I said Yes, so he continued to finger-fuck me until I had my second, equally powerful orgasm. My legs were literally weak from the power of my cumming.

"Please sit up and put the robe back on," Dr. White said, as he removed the condom from his finger and went into the bathroom to wash his hands. I sat up, tied the robe around me and waited for him to come back. Dr. White stood next to me and told me I had a "very healthy vagina" and gave my tits a squeeze as he "confirmed" that there were no abnormalities with my breasts. He then got to the business of payment. I informed him that I had no health insurance but that I would gladly pay cash.

"I can't have cash in this office," he said. "We have to find another solution to the issue of payment or I'll be forced to send a collection company after you."

I saw his hard-on under his pants and told him, hesitantly, that I would be willing to offer my pussy or my mouth as payment for the check-up I received. Dr. White nodded and sat down in his chair. "Come kneel, Susan, and give me a blow job. I'll accept that as payment." Dr. White undid his pants, pulled his cock out and pointed to the area between his knees.

I kneeled down and took his cock into my mouth, sucking on it hesitantly at first and glancing at the open office door occasionally, as if someone might walk in. Dr. White opened up my robe a bit, cupped my tits in his hands and thrust his hips forward, pushing his cock deeper into my mouth. When I protested, he put a hand on the back of my neck to prevent me from squirming away. With his cock deep inside me, Dr. White came -- one of those glorious, long, hard cums that he's so famous for ;-) With a load of cum in my mouth, Dr. White instructed me to open my mouth and show the cum to him before swallowing it. I did as I was told, swallowed the load and as Dr. White pulled his pants back up, I started to get dressed myself.

"Please call my office when you want your next physical," Dr. White said. I promised I would, and headed home for dinner.

This was the first time I lived out, in such detail, my "doctor" fantasy and I have to give Kevin credit -- he played his part extremely well. We've made tentative plans to get together this weekend (not for any formal play but definitely for a fuck) but we'll see what the weekend brings. Ted was scheduled to fly in on Friday night but emailed me to inform me that it looked like the weekend might be out of the question. I can't say I'm disappointed, but I can't pretend to NOT be disappointed, either. I refuse to get my hopes up about anything at this point. I can dump Kevin without hurting his feelings IF Ted does fly in, and I can fuck Kevin if Ted DOESN'T fly in.

All in all, not a bad deal.

2004-04-04T14:13:00.000-07:00

I'm always touched by the amount of mail that I receive when I post an entry after a long period of not blogging. Call me needy, but knowing that there are so many people who are "hanging in there" while I go through my Ted Crisis makes me feel a lot better. I will warn everyone, however, that I am no longer opening emails with attachments. They go straight into the delete bin. There are simply too many viruses out there for me to open attachments from people I don't know. For those who sent me pictures, I'm afraid they went unviewed :-(

For every person who writes me a thoughtful email, there are plenty who write me to tell me:

~ how much they detest my blog (while, apparently, reading it every day);
~ how unsexy this blog is (while, undoubtedly, getting hard or wet reading most of it);
~ how glad they are that Ted dumped me (apparently not reading closely enough to understand WHY Ted and I are no longer together);
~ how "pathetic" they think I am for being so sex-obsessed (while, I'm sure, wishing they were getting more in their own lives);
~ how poorly I write (I have a healthy salary that suggests otherwise).

Methinks thou doth protest too much ;-)

On to other things: Kevin and I hooked up on Friday night, as we had planned to do but I don't have time right now to summarize the evening. I don't even know if I WANT to summarize the evening. For the moment, I will say only that living out a "doctor" fantasy was incredibly potent. Kevin and I may not have an emotional bond but sexually, he reads me very well (and vice versa). There's definitely an instinct between us when we fuck and play that I really like. Kevin noticed it, too and pointed out, quite rightly, how important it is to understand your partner's body language when you're in sexual situations that involve swinging or playing with people who are virtually strangers. I always trusted Kevin in those situations.

For now, it's time to get a good night's sleep (what's left of it) and take on another working week. I'm hoping to find some blogging time in the next few days to catch you all up :-)

2004-03-27T14:12:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to discuss Ted for a while. I'm not going to explain WHY I'm not going to be discussing Ted for a while, except to say that there are too many things that happened immediately prior to his move that I need to sort out. To put it even LESS specifically, I don't know how I feel about far too many things to comment on them just yet.

I'm immersing myself in work and working out and spending too much time surfing for porn and TRYING to access the kind of porn that will maintain my attention and get me off. I was turned on to two sites that a reader of this blog suggested to me -- Caged Tushy and
Doctor Tushy -- but I'm too nervous about using my credit card online to actually join either site, DESPITE the fact that both tap into my humiliation fetish. Caged Tushy is a site devoted to nothing but prison fantasies -- strip searches, rough sex, initiations, etcetera; Doctor Tushy is devoted to medical fetishes -- being poked, prodded and examined. If the sample movies are any example of what the content is like, I might just have to break down and break in my Visa card online to join up ;-) It would certainly inspire me more than the sexual offers that have actually been MADE to me recently :-(

Kevin and I hooked up a few days ago after a birthday party we attended for a mutual friend of ours. I didn't even want to go to the party but Kevin did the "sincere fuck buddy" routine and told me that going out would do me GOOD and get my mind off of Ted. Of course I understood perfectly what he was really saying ("We'll stop in, make an appearance and then we'll go back to your place, fuck a bit and I'll head home before breakfast") but I went along with it. We did indeed stop in, make an appearance but then, in the car, I told him that we would have to go to HIS place. I didn't feel like fucking in my own bed just yet. It was a hot, sweaty fuck and I took a cab home soon after we were done. I don't regret it but after so many months in an actual RELATIONSHIP, I found the fucking-for-the-sake-of-fucking fucking ESPECIALLY unfulfilling. I came but it wasn't a body-draining orgasm. I loved the feeling of Kevin's cock inside me but it took enormous effort on my part not to compare his cock with Ted's.

All of that said, I pointed Kevin to the two Tushy sites and asked him if he'd be interested in some play next weekend. Kevin may not be a full-fledged Dom but he CAN dominate me quite nicely when we're playing dress-up. So we've made plans for next Friday. Kevin wants me to go to his apartment immediately after work, before I've had a shower and before I've had a chance to eat supper: "I want to examine you before you've had a chance to make yourself all clean and make yourself smell nice." I confess that making the plans with him HAS sparked my imagination and I AM looking forward to it. Gotta love Kevin. He's always game for anything and the fact that the emotional investment between us is so low really lowers my inhibitions. I barely care what he thinks of me as a person so I can be much more uninhibited with HIM than I could even be with Ted, whose approval I craved.

Tonight, my only goal is to watch the movies I rented and get a good night's sleep. I have a shopping date with my mother in the morning, which requires me to have gotten a full ten hours of sleep ;-) I've had my eye on a beautiful suede coat that would look KILLER when Spring is in full bloom, so maybe I'll use my Visa for THAT instead of humiliation porn.